Older men

At dinner you said, "Ayaw ko kasi yung ganun, biglang sasabihin na gusto mo makipagsex. Mas maganda parin yung subtlety." 

Two days before we had dinner, I told my friend that I was so sure of my attack plan. I was just gonna ask "So you wanna fuck or not?" Ganun ba talaga pag 28 na? You're just 5 years older than me but damn boy, you oldschool.

I'm not the best when it comes to these mind games and Im getting tired of the mixed signals you send. Offering to take me straight home after we have drinks with friends? Seriously?

5 dinners and 3 and a half weeks later, I was so ready to let it go.

On thursday, you took me for what I thought was our last dinner and drinks together but as we were about to head home, you leaned 90% right in front of me. I had my back on the car door and i could feel the raindrops on my shoulders. Your breath was warm on my lips, your hands felt electric on my waist, my heart was beating so fast and I leaned the rest of the 10% of the way. When we shared that kiss, I thought "I win. I always get what I want."

Maybe it was you, maybe it was the rain and the cigarettes, the late nights. I didnt want to fall asleep because that would mean waking up to a morning without the smell of your perfume.

Me: "Last na 'to ah. Di na ako magrereply. Mahirap na."

You: "Bakit naman?"

Me: "Masyado na akong natutuwa sa iyo eh. Para iwas gulo."

That was last night.

Today, I bought a pack of menthol cigarettes. I hate menthol cigarettes. Laughing a bit to myself when I paid the cashier. I'd do anything just to feel a bit closer to you. 

You have 24 hours to change my mind about what I said. 

What I should have told you 2 and a half years ago

Do you remember the night we met? I barely can. I was hammered drunk, basically broke except for a twenty peso bill that was going to take me home. I spent it on a pack of cigarettes instead just to have a reason to talk (and slur the words) to you a little longer. Yeah, I bet you didn’t know that until now. That was the best twenty pesos I’ve ever spent in my life. It didn’t take me home though, because you did.

It’s been half a year and I’m thinking if I made right decisions. I’m at another Monday of my life and still waiting for it to be a Lazy Sunday again. What if I didn’t blow off training to go drinking with my friends? What if I just went straight home? What if my equally drunk friend didn’t ask you for a cigarette? You wouldn’t even tell me your name at first. “It’s for you to know and me to make up” is what you said. You thought that was mysterious. I thought you were being an ass.

I found myself wrapped in your sheets on a daily basis, never noticing the perpetual stack of plates that were always in the kitchen sink until a week ago. I memorize the curve of your back, how your ribs slope gently, landing on your perfect bones. I was smitten by how your hands crawl on my legs, my sides and at the back of my neck. You touch my face and tell me lines like you were rehearsing in front of a mirror for a big performance.

I’d like to think that we had something more than what happens in locked rooms.

What I’m trying to say is, all I want is a life with you and Sunday mornings in bed. I want to wake up knowing that you’re there. I’m sick of reaching over to your side and be greeted by a cold pillow that used to be where you rest your head the night before. I want to fill in the blanks where you can’t and pretend not to know answers to complicated questions so I leave them for you to figure out. I can’t wait to press my lips on your arm and bite your shirt, sink into your skin.

This is not a letter of desperation, this is a wake-up call. Sunday comes before you know it and I’ll have a space for you on my bed, between the sheets, under my blue night light, against my lips, if you’ll have it.

Worth It

They said that if we are not willing to take the risk, we don't want it bad enough.

I arrived here in Manila yesterday from my hometown where I spent the long weekend in. We had arranged that Migo pick me up at the airport.

The challenge: wearing a sexy white, semi-see-through lacey corset under my clothes
The risk: the inability to breathe and sit comfortably, the effort it takes to "arrange" what I was wearing everytime I got up
The reward: to see the look on his face when I get on top of him and slowly peel my clothes off while listening to Usher's Mars vs Venus or Lay You Down

Before I got on the plane to Manila, I had lunch with my friends C and P. I layed out my gameplan and they were fully supportive. By the time that my plane had landed, tinext ko sila agad, "the ugly duckling has landed. time to transform." And they gave me the same reply parang, "gamitan mo ng corset powers!" pero hindi naman daw sila magkasama.

So we get home, have dinner and went to the separate room for a transient which they had outside. No one was renting and it was supposedly the coolest (temperature-wise), "chillest" room in the house. And it was. There was a toilet to the left and a single bed in the corner na pinaiilawan ng isang dim light sa may headboard na nagmumukha siyang banal. Migo, sasambahin kita.

Coolest room? Nay, hottest.


Just when he had his crooked smile on when everything else was off made my day. They way he touched, kissed and moved, so slowly and gently, made up for the two hours I spent barely breathing on a plane. This was not just sex. This was making love.

Which song would you have picked for me for this love-making episode?